Photo by davide ragusa on Unsplash
September 11th stirs emotion for many of us, whether we were impacted directly or indirectly. For many Generation Xers, September 11th was our JFK assassination. Most of us can name where we were and what we were doing at the exact moment we heard the news. And no matter how much we might try to resist it, somehow as that day approaches each year it elicits memories of people connected to those events.
I was in my office in Stamford, Connecticut when our IT guy popped his head in my door and told me the news. We ran downstairs to the gym, because that was only place in the building that had a TV, and watched the gruesomeness unfold. Unless you were under a rock, how could you not be aware of what was happening.
But after the first tower crumbled and people in lower Manhattan ran for their lives, I made a quick trip back to my office to find my inbox filling with emotionless emails about a Formula One sponsorship from my boss. He was in Las Vegas at a conference. Maybe he had barricaded himself in his hotel room and hadn’t heard.
“Karl*, one of the Twin Towers is gone!” I finally wrote in response. He said he was aware and it was tragic, indeed, he wasn’t under a rock, but continued firing off emails that probably no one was going to pay attention to or action.
I could not understand how something this trivial could take precedence over something so unprecedented. Maybe it was his stereotypical German nature, fueled by his hyper focus and tunnel-vision. Maybe it was because he wasn’t born here and he didn’t internalize this as an attack on his homeland. That’s the only way I could rationalize his actions.
I should have known. He was always working even if no one else was. On a business trip shortly after I started at this company we got stuck overnight at an airport. It was after 1 a.m. and he kept checking his voicemail and leaving messages for the advertising agency despite having no voice left.
When we visited a distributor in Brooklyn, shortly after the events we peered at the newly fractured skyline with a familiar gaping hole. Karl uttered. 'I feel robbed of those buildings.'
You could have fooled me.
But that’s how he was. Full of contradictions. A father who adored his wife and kids but hardly ever went home. I always wondered how she put up with him. He was extremely self-centered, always focusing on what was best for him, what worked for his schedule and what was in it for him. Rarely, if ever, considering how his requests or actions might impact other people or how it might make them feel.
Despite our differing philosophies on many subjects and the fact that he made me mad on several occasions for being an inconsiderate jerk, he had an endearing humble quality and I did like him as a person.
The job ended after less than two years and not on a positive note. And we never contacted each other again.
Fast forward 20 years
I was streaming a mindless dating show, when I noticed one of the contestants shared the same unique name as his youngest son. Given the time that had passed it was plausible this contestant could be a grown-up version of the five year old his wife brought to the office.
Google works well in your favor if you are working with an offbeat name. While the contestant was not his son, with little effort I stumbled upon his actual son’s Instagram. My natural curiosity kept me scrolling through his achievements and memorable moments until I came across a photo of him and my old boss commemorating one year since he had passed away. Underneath the post, his son wrote about the consequences mental illness and having the courage to speak up.
I continued searching for more context to confirm what I thought had happened. Again, with the help of Google I found an obituary in German which roughly translated to 'he lived with his pain until he could no more.' His death was not a result of a tragic unforeseen circumstance or a physical illness.
He made me mad just like he had before. All I could think of was his decision seemed very much in character with who I once knew. It was all about himself. It didn’t matter how it would impact or devastate those around him.
My next emotion was compassion for his immediate family. What I pieced together through social media was a loving wife, his oldest son working and living on his own, one son in college and his daughter in her senior year of high school when it happened. The same little girl he said he wanted to complete his family. The one who I remember him proudly and tearfully leaving a message on my home phone when he found out he was having a girl.
He was in his mid-50’s. It was pre-pandemic. How could he choose that path when he had SOOO much life left and so much to live for? He left behind some stellar kids with bright futures ahead of them. At a time when while they still needed him but he could also sit back and enjoy them.
I am saddened he went down that dark road. I would have never guessed he would choose to end his life when he had obligations. As a stereotypical German he was also far too practical. I don’t claim to know what he was going through, but after a year of knowing this, I have a hard time understanding.
While he did not die on 9/11/2001, he is forever linked with that day in my mind, especially now since I discovered he lost his life in an unnecessary way. He did die in September however, a few days shy of his 30th wedding anniversary.
*Name changed for privacy
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